There is very limited help available for partners of trauma survivors nor is it easy to locate. It is my intention to compile a set of articles which covers information of which I believe would be helpful with regards to being in a relationship with a survivor of abuse/trauma. My last post gave an overview of the types of trauma, disorders and common reactions experienced following traumatic events as I feel this understanding is paramount in supporting a partner with a trauma related disorder. You can find this post HERE. Within this particular post, I aim to focus more on specific ways to support survivors of trauma and responding as opposed to reacting.
A survivor of trauma is the only expert in their own trauma. As TRUK Diamond theory shows; Just as every diamond is completely unique; as is every experience and reaction to trauma. Diamonds form under pressure, their core uniquely shaping its edges and appearance; A survivor’s trauma is held within the core and it is that trauma which has the ability to shape every interaction and value which a survivor holds. We are not victims, many of us are experts in abuse and trauma and so hearing what we have to say is paramount in understanding difficulties which are faced on a daily basis. As a survivor of trauma myself, I have my own set of difficulties in which to process however, I know from experience – having my voice heard served to be one of the most beneficial aspects in my own recovery. In being heard, I was believed and it is that validation that forms trust in others and catalyses recovery efforts.
This brings me to my first helpful tip in supporting a survivor of trauma, Validating your partners experiences will solidify a deep bond that can grow to become unshakable. In cases of survivors who have experienced trauma which occurred in childhood, validation serves to disprove deeply enmeshed beliefs which may have been built and reinforced over many years (and decades). Survivors of adult interpersonal relationship trauma may require just as much validation; as their new set of beliefs around the self shape interaction in similar ways to childhood survivors.
A survivor doesn’t necessarily need to fully divulge what abuse they experienced in order to be heard. Nor do they need to relive painful memories for their partner to hear them. Simply put, outright asking a partner to explain what they went through can be counter productive; it can cause retraumatization as well as an acute onset of (C)PTSD related symptoms and should only be approached on the survivors request. Not every survivor will want to relive or share their abuse; it is therefore important to take your partners lead in any conversation surrounding their past. In such cases where a partner may not be willing to share their experience, it is also important to let them understand that choice is perfectly normal. In allowing your partner to have control in these situations, it gives a sense of safety and empowerment which could ultimately be the one thing they need in order to accept and share their trauma(s). The act of accepting either outcome during conversations surrounding uncomfortable topics gives a survivor of trauma their own control back – this is where the sense of safety comes from because many survivors have been conditioned against speaking up or taking control, giving them that back not only deepens the bond in the relationship; but allows them to hear their voice for what could be the first time.
I do feel it is important to state that some survivors will never share what they experienced. That is a choice that should not be met with negative attitude, hostility, blame or conflict. A conversation about how one person feels should never end in conflict; for it to do so can be so counterproductive to not only a survivors recovery but the relationship itself.
Resist the urge to fix.
Whether a survivor divulges their experience or not, refrain from attempting to fix your partner. To put it clearly; what a survivor has endured has caused a reaction which is completely normal. A reaction of which hundreds of thousands of other survivors share a similarity with. This reaction is not abnormal; the abusive event(s) carried out by the perpetrator was the abnormal factor in this. It is therefore the perpetrator of abuse who is abnormal and shame should rightfully be taken away from the survivor and their reaction. In this case, it is not appropriate to try and place your core values on to your partner. Attempting to fix of course comes from the best of hearts, but in cases of trauma experiences – it is not the survivor who needs fixing. To fix; assigns blame in some form – blame that the survivor did not react at the time; (in your opinion) appropriately. However, that fact is not for you to state. You were not there, you haven’t felt it and even if you are reading this now; a survivor of your own trauma – every reaction, interpretation and perception can be and is hugely different. Unsolicited advice is not recommended in any interaction never mind one with a survivor of trauma, survivors do not need to hear what they should do – instead try re-framing to a more positive light and simply be there for your partner; accepting them in entity.
Fixing behaviour can come from inner insecurities. Personally; you may feel the need to fix others as a way to feed your ego and alleviate your own anxiety. Individuals do not require to be ‘fixed’ – it can be important in such cases; to work on your own insecurities and build interpersonal relationship skills in the process. This will benefit the relationship with a survivor of trauma in a plethora of ways; allowing a survivor to witness healthy interaction consistently will aid in increasing personal recovery.
Refrain from stopping your loved one from talking or expressing fears; as difficult as this can be. It is naturally difficult to hear someone we love fear issues that may not seem fearful. Trauma causes deep rooted fear in many ways and this can naturally come out in behaviours and reactions. If your partner trusts you enough to relay these fears – no matter how ‘trivial’ they may seem; it is important to give them the space and safety to do so without fear of retribution or criticism. In that same respect it is also important to not give ‘easy’ answers. ‘Easy answers’ are responses such as; “everything is going to be OK”, “you will be fine”, “I wont let anything happen to you”. Such responses wont serve to rebuild trust and a sense of safety for a survivor of trauma for many reasons – some which may be personal to the survivor. Saying that everything will be fine only causes a survivor intent on self preservation to question; “but what if it isn’t”, increasing anxiety and reluctance – similarly, telling a survivor they will be fine only strengthens the fact that they do not feel ‘fine’ at that particular moment (if ever). Finally, becoming the protector does to serve to benefit a survivors recovery. It is the survivor of trauma who has to be their own protector, not only that but a survivor will also fear for their partners safety and so stating you will protect them leads them to question; “but what if something happens to you?” – No easy answer will ever give any positive effect with regards to fears or phobias held by a survivor. Trust me, the survivor will already have answers to every one of your attempts to calm them using easy answers -validating their fears and hearing them provides much more benefit. It allows a survivor to take a risk and benefit from a positive outcome and just as traumatic events shaped inner beliefs; positive experiences can dissolve this allowing for repeated (more successful) attempts and increased recovery.
Usually, by the time a survivor actually voices any inner fear; they have analyzed it numerous times within before airing it to anyone else. Not only that, but a survivors fears are as valid and rational as any phobia around. For a survivor to vent these fears not only shows how trusted you are, but that your opinion to them matters, that you are a safe person with good intent. To dismiss or give easy answers can be devastating to the individual relationship and only serves to harm recovery. No progression can be made in cases where a survivors fears are lessened because of the nature of trauma. The most horrific of acts occur in real time and for no reason – any fear after that is absolutely valid; real or not. It is important to once again – validate these fears; allow your partner to understand that you can empathize and help them cope. As this blog progresses, I look to cover specific ways in which you can cope with flashbacks, triggers, fears and conflict.
Maintain healthy communication
In supporting a survivor of trauma it is imperative to maintain and nourish healthy communication. Communicating with your partner in an open, balanced and consistent way helps to build trust in the relationship and allows a survivor of trauma to begin to emulate the same communication style. In early recovery (and there is no time line to this – an individual could be within early recovery decades after the event(s) or immediately; the spectrum is huge) it is important to build a sense of resilience in that you refrain from taking things personally. At times a survivor of trauma may have experienced multiple toxic relationships – from parents, caregivers, services or within romantic relationships or friendships which causes a build up of traumatic experience, memory and reactive behaviour. It can be extremely difficult for a trauma survivor who has been used to the constant roller coaster of emotions experienced in chronic abuse; to settle in a healthy relationship. Many survivors feel themselves becoming more anxious and combative in an attempt to pull conflict out and self sabotage, other survivors will test boundaries to make sure they are safe – or as a reaction to triggers, flashbacks and fear. It is important to gain an awareness of the subtle intricacies that comes along with trauma experiences – a wealth of information can be found on our Facebook group which is ordered by topic and organized in to relevant units.
Healthy communication builds a huge sense of trust within the relationship and opens lines of communication in cases where the survivor may need support. Remember, support is the number one factor in helping a survivor of trauma begin or continue recovering. Having healthy communication is the pre-requisite to trust and this is especially true for a survivor who has had to endure abuse. Survivors benefit from clear and transparent interaction, a survivor has built their defenses so high that they can at times; sense and feel your own mood or motive. Survivors are experts in reading situations because they had to build this defense, do not go in to any interaction with ulterior motive (even the best intended ones!), bad feeling or in judgment. Personally, I can tell by the slight change in footsteps – it sends me in to defense mode as I scramble to self protect and preserve. It leads me to close off and retract, from experience; I know I am not the only survivor who feels this. It is relatively common for survivors to be empaths; feeling tone and emotion at times before others even realize within themselves. This can prove problematic with passive aggressive behaviour; this type of reaction really causes a reaction within a survivor of trauma because individual actions do not match words. It causes uncertainty and can trigger to past memories or trauma.
Refrain from overly focusing
It can be relatively easy in a relationship to overly focus on the reactions and issues or difficulties faced by a survivor of trauma – especially when things feel too intense or confusing. Focusing on issues as they arise is beneficial, however it is important to reflect on an issue and give it a natural conclusion. This conclusion is what has been skewed in terms of abusive event(s) experienced. Having a relationship which is high in healthy, open communication and validation will bring these conclusions naturally to any interaction. Once the conclusion has been made and voiced; the importance then lies within moving on and resuming normal life.
Overly focusing on your partners trauma and the reactions it may cause only merges their (C)PTSD symptoms with their own identity. This acts as a barrier in recovery and within the relationship as any further interaction turns self critical and guilt inducing.
It can be a natural reaction, that if you focus on this issue now – you can solve it and move on. Recovery is a life long process, in many cases; survivors of trauma never reach a state of being fully recovered because that is the nature of trauma. Nothing in any hospital or pharmacy will ever be able to take the event(s) from memory or stored within the body (because even survivors who do not recall the trauma(s) can still repress the emotion within) and thus total recovery is rarely reached. A survivor can learn how to live with their trauma(s) and that is theirs to live with – focusing on that will not take it away unfortunately – no matter how much you wish it would.
Anticipate and help manage triggers.
As survivors learn to live with their symptoms; they begin to form coping mechanisms and rely on ways which have been helpful in the past (side note; some of these can actually be counter productive and this is important to identify). Survivors become experts in their own trauma as part of recovery involves identifying and managing triggers and reactions, in order to support a partner who has experienced trauma; it can be helpful to help understand and manage their triggers (and associated responses). Firstly, you could find out what things have helped in the past when dealing with symptoms, flashbacks and triggers and encourage this – even take part; pain shared is pain halved after all.
It can be helpful to understand what a trigger is and what it can cause both mentally and physically. In times where your partner is unable to identify they have been triggered; you can rely on your own awareness and knowledge ultimately supporting them through something they otherwise would have been crippled by.
Within the brain it is the amygdala that triggers this natural response. Those with trauma tend to have an overactive continual response.
When their amygdala is wired it makes the pre frontal cortex under active. In a natural response, the amygdala sends signals to produce noradrenaline, however for people with trauma disorders this doesn’t follow the natural peak and depth found in patients who haven’t experienced a traumatic event. Instead, adrenaline peaks and can stay in a hyper vigilant state for considerably longer – not necessarily returning to average levels either. If you experience hypervigilance, your emotional tolerance will decrease as there is a constant supply of adrenaline flowing to your brain when it is not needed.
Trauma survivors find unwanted and intense feelings tend to pop out of nowhere however, there could potentially be a Trigger Point causing a subconscious emotion and response. This makes identifying causes of emotion or triggers itself extremely difficult.
In addition to this, childhood trauma survivors may have been conditioned to ignore their own emotions and feelings. Focusing more on the emotions of others, people pleasing and splitting their personality to appease any authoritative figure in their lives.
The act of being triggered causes a biological reaction within a survivors body. The amygdala becomes activated and this sends cortisol and adrenaline throughout the body, the mouth may become dry as the salivary glands retract, blood flow reduces from less vital organs and flows to the muscles and other organs as a protective measure. The body may shake and tremble due to the increase of adrenaline, the hands may become cold and sweaty and pupils dilate causing headaches and migraines. As the amygdala is switched on, the front of the brain reduces in activity. This part of the brain is where rational thought is stored and makes it difficult to concentrate, identify emotions and regulate reactions. A survivor may rely on 4f responses (fight, flight, freeze or fawn – found HERE) which will shape their interaction and behaviour.
It can be easy to understand exactly why a survivor may have no realization of becoming triggered as their use of 4f responses seem perfectly appropriate in their given state. Perception can be the most important aspect in this case, as the survivor recovers their sense of perception of danger; their triggers decrease and with added coping skills; become more manageable.
The building of trust and a sense of safety.
As I have already covered; building trust and safety is key in supporting a partner who has survived trauma(s); Responding and not reacting can be helpful way to do this.
There are subtle differences in responding vs reacting to a partner who has survived trauma(s), reacting involves an emotional impulse whereas responding denotes a more balanced and thoughtful approach. When you constantly react to events that you cannot control, you waste energy and resources which could be more appropriately used.
Reacting emotionally removes the ability for core values to guide your interactions; survivors of trauma commonly react rather than respond because that is what they have been taught to do. In order to recover from those reactions; a survivor needs to witness healthy response over reaction. For you to support your partner you may benefit from teaching a survivor how to be a part of a healthy relationship by taking the time to carefully respond to any conflict or issue that may naturally arise.
A survivor who has experienced traumatic event(s) may be expecting reactionary behaviour to come with any conflict, this fear may cause the survivor themselves to react instead of respond. Not only that, conflict is extremely triggering as is the possibility of criticism or judgment. This trigger – as explained above; causes a whole plethora of effects which can cause the survivor to automatically rely on trigger responses. In order to successfully build trust, adopting a balanced and consistent response can aid in building a strong foundation moving forward.
Trust and safety can also be built by incorporating routine and minimizing home stress. That is not to say that your needs should come second or last, you have every right in a relationship to feel and desire what you do. This is as natural and acceptable as your partners needs; with or without trauma. The key is in the balance between understanding the intricacies of trauma and why certain aspects of what your partner needs may be uncompromisable. Adopting or maintaining a positive attitude will naturally bring positive rewards – understanding that ‘little things’ may be in fact big things to your partner as it may be clouded in experience and triggers. Healthy and open communication can bring these issues to light and resolution, however there are some things that just don’t need to be argued over. It can be common in relationships to enter conflict due to our own personal circumstances and emotions at the time, having an understanding and empathy of what your partner may struggle with on a daily basis can really put this in to perspective. Most cases of trauma survivors show that symptoms are a daily struggle, survivors can expend vast amounts of energy through symptoms related to their trauma(s). Many survivors struggle to feel good enough, with people pleasing or perfectionism and so some disagreements are more counterproductive than helpful.
Patience is key in supporting a partner who has experienced trauma(s), practiced consistently; patience allows a survivor to risk self expression and gives a sense of empowerment. Through emphasizing strengths and positive traits instead of focusing on negatives – you can really build a survivors confidence and feeling of belonging. It is important to be authentic and this is especially true when in a relationship with a survivor – authenticity brings acceptance and open communication aiding in interaction and relationship bonds. This authenticity is especially true in times of making promises, do not make a promise you don’t intend to or cannot keep. A survivor needs to know that when you promise or say you will do something that this will be followed through.
In terms of survivors, it is important for a survivor to see these efforts sometimes before they commit to attempting these too. Relationships can be a real fear of survivors and so many commonly become introverted and seem closed off. It is not until you dig through the protective shell however that you truly find the real person within. As you demonstrate patience, authenticity and consistency; trust becomes stronger and the relationship as a whole benefits from this.
Speaking of and building future plans can also help cement trust within a relationship. Survivors are more often than not driven by past events and so speaking of positive future plans can help to bring some balance to their lives. It also reminds survivors that there is more still to be experienced and can slowly make them more hopeful and positive of the future themselves. It is truly a sight to see when a victim forms in to a survivor and through the right support; a survivor manifesting to a warrior; ready to challenge life once more.
Encourage rest and self care.
Partners of survivors themselves should not only balance support with their own rest and self care – but remind and prompt their partner to do the same. It is at times a tiring and challenging act – to support through recovery, and simply put – you cannot help anyone if you are suffering yourself. There are many support groups available online for partners of survivors which can really help along the arduous road of recovery – we have units dedicated to partners of survivors and helpful files and resources over on our Facebook group; TRUK. It can also be beneficial to receive personal support through counseling as this can not only help how you support your partner; but be a way in which to balance self care and verbal ventilation in order to free yourself to continue to support.
Yes, relationships are a two way street with both parties requiring to make efforts in order to allow the relationship to grow and develop. However some times, relationships require more work from one side than the other. Its not always 50/50 and there are times when your partner (or yourself) may need to take 60/40 for a period of time. Giving that little extra bit when you know your partner may not be able to really acts as a bridge in a way for a survivor to recover, find balance and ultimately give back,
There are various helplines and resources available over on our group which can be accessed HERE – even if you are not struggling, it can be good to talk to someone and know you’re not alone.
It can be helpful when supporting a partner who has experienced trauma(s) to get involved with their treatment. Ask if you can go to a therapy session (if applicable) and use it to learn about trauma and the reaction it has caused, this is of course only on the approval of your partner. Do not try to force your way in to appointments or use therapy appointments to ‘fix’ or blame as this is hugely counterproductive to individual recovery. Going to a therapy session can give you a great insight in to how to support and respond to your partner when they need you to do so.
Remember, these are merely a few approaches to try when you are trying to support a partner of trauma, the most important aspects being validation, consistency, responding over reacting, balance and self care. In times of intense fear such as flashbacks and panic, it may be necessary to have a plan in place which is agreed by both on the best way to respond. I will cover supporting your partner through both flashbacks and panic in the next blog post however there is some very helpful information within our blog which can assist with this.
Support is available to both your partner and yourself if you require it and we can signpost you to relevant services if applicable. As we are survivors of trauma(s) ourselves, the admin team are a wealth of information and support and can be contacted by e-mail or over on Facebook.
Trauma Research UK 