Gaslighting within interpersonal relationships

With gaslighting within interpersonal relationships; the victimizer (abuser) has to be right in order to preserve their own sense of having power in their world.

The victim usually idolises the abuser and often seeks validation and approval from them in any thing or any task they do. But this is exactly what the perpetrator wants. They want to be able to tell the victim what they are doing is right or wrong in order to mold them into the person they want them to be. And they do so through gaslighting techniques.

Tactics the abuser will use include; questioning victims memory, questioning victims perception and also questioning victim sanity. They may bring up personal mannerisms and link them as to why they believe the victim is “insane” or wrong. They manipulate their victims by telling them they acted badly, more so when they had reduced memory when they have been celebrating and or drinking.

It is important to note that this can also occur with prescribed medication. The symptoms of some prescription medication make you feel drowsy and this can be used by the perpetrator to get inside your head and make you question again; your memory, perception and sanity.

An abuser that gaslights may invalidate the feelings or experiences of others using dismissive language such as: you’re crazy, you’re just sensitive, don’t be paranoid, I was just joking, I’m worried I think you’re not well. It is important to be aware of dismissive language and when it is being used against you.

Joe Rogers and Diane Follingstad state these dismissals can be detrimental to mental health.

Psychological abuse causes a range of aversive behaviours intended to harm an individual. This includes: coercing behaviour, control, verbal abuse, monitoring, isolation, threatening behaviour, manufacturing of a hostile environment and emotional withholding. Remember to be a victim of gaslighting you do not have to experience every single one of these, you may only experience one or all – it is still abuse.

Signs of gaslighting within an interpersonal relationship

The signs of gaslighting within a relationship include;
withholding of information from the victim such as getting loans or credit cards without having a mutual conversation or getting into trouble with the police without letting your partner know.

Providing and making information to fit the abusers perspective. This could include lying about why previous relationships have ended, been fired from Employment and not disclosing or disclosing a story they want the partner to here.

Discounting information – whenever their partner tells them anything that happened; the abuser will inform their partner that they are lying, bending the truth or exaggerating. verbal abuse also in the form of jokes

Blocking or diverting attention from outside sources: not informing their partner they received an important phone call or appointment, hiding mail, deleting emails and cancelling plans without their partners consent.

Minimising victim worth: possibly through name-calling or demeaning behaviour and actions.

Undermining their partner by weakening their thought processes.

Abusers Gaslight by hiding objects, causing the victim to doubt the situation and blame themselves. They change the victim either in how they dress, act or both. They try to mold the victim to their fantasy – the victim feels worthless, confused and despair. The abuser requires full control and power over the victim and so will seclude them from friends and family. Only the abuser can influence the victims thinking or how they act.

One subtle tactic the abuser will use is alternating between ignoring and attending to the victim. This causes the victim to lower expectations of what affection to expect and perceive themselves as less worthy of affection.

This concludes my gaslighting topic for today. I hope you learn something, if any of this has affected you negatively please reach out to one of the admins.

thank you very much for reading what I have found out today.

Identifying emotions

Identifying emotions

Identifying emotions can be difficult for individuals who have experienced childhood or long-term trauma. CPTSD and PTSD equip the brain with a faulty alarm system to ensure constant survival which can lead to issues within relationships, reaction styles and coping patterns.

Every individual has a survival mode however, in trauma survivors we see this mode constantly switched on. Due to this; the parts of the brain responsible for memory and rational thinking stop functioning properly. When this happens, it makes it difficult to separate safe events happening presently from dangerous events in the past and also makes identifying emotions very difficult.

Within the brain it is the amygdala that triggers this natural response. Those with trauma tend to have an overactive continual response.
When the amygdala is wired and active; it makes the prefrontal cortex underactive. In a natural response, the amygdala sends signals to produce noradrenaline, however for people with trauma disorders this doesn’t follow the natural peak and depth found in patients who haven’t experienced a traumatic event. Instead, adrenaline peaks and can stay in a hypervigilant state for considerably longer – not necessarily returning to average levels either. If you experience hypervigilance, your emotional tolerance will decrease as there is a constant supply of adrenaline flowing to your brain when it is not needed. Prolonged adrenal function can eventually lead to adrenal fatigue; leaving individuals with extremely low levels of cortisol and causing problems physiological issues and difficulties with self regulation.

Taking that into account, it’s only natural to become disorientated when it comes to identifying emotions. Anger may be easily identified for example however, the underlying emotion that produced the anger is not recognised easily. This is due to a reduction in the prefrontal cortex. It is a normal response to a traumatic event and can be worked through and alleviated.

Trauma survivors find unwanted and intense feelings tend to pop out of nowhere however, there could potentially be a Trigger Point causing a subconscious emotion and response. This makes identifying causes of emotion or triggers itself extremely difficult.

In addition to this, childhood trauma survivors may have been conditioned to ignore their own emotions and feelings. Focusing more on the emotions of others, people pleasing and splitting their personality to appease any authoritative figure in their lives.

It is possible to take control of your emotion. However, first we must learn to recognise the emotion behind the overwhelming and distracting feeling. I have included some worksheets into files in our Facebook group to help individuals work through and identify emotions.

If we look at the most common emotion that we find overwhelming – anger. Anger is an iceberg with emotions underlying which include: shame, guilt, fear and insecurity. Commonly in treatment: we see anger as a terrible emotion – but when we have the strength to explore this emotion we may start to realise: “I was actually hurt that you misjudged me” – or whatever underlying reason as it is of course personal to each. Once we begin to identify what is behind our emotion, we can work on responding to it a little piece at a time.

The reason that I would like to signpost you to emotional identification worksheets is because, when you write, it switches our brain once again and can make it easier to dissect any underlying feelings. If we fill these worksheets in enough, we will see a pattern. Whether that be: if X or y happens – I’ll blow up! Therefore, it can help us to be mindful and can identify triggers we weren’t aware of. Realisation is always the first step to recovery, so it may be helpful to have a look at each emotion and get to know them. A mood journal can also be helpful in catching patterns and provides a safe space to explore your reactions – once the journal is closed, your rest!

Overthinking and analysing emotions only serves to give them energy. Trust yourself and your Instincts when working through emotions and take a brief moment to fill the worksheet as close to the event as possible – leave the last column which is about debriefing and step away, fill the debrief in by looking over what you worked on and explore the emotion when you are able to identify emotions in their full complexity: the worksheet will begin to guide you how to navigate feeling overwhelmed.

We do not do this all at once, it takes time and a lot of practice. Remember, anger is not scary and negative, we are allowed to be angry at the unjust of our past and present. It is how we cope with the emotion that really sets our pace. Hopefully, through working through identifying emotions we can begin to find triggers and begin to see ourselves as human instead of being victim to emotions that have the potential to destroy our lives.

Emotional regulation skills really help us to understand our emotion, reduce emotional vulnerability and decrease emotional suffering within our daily lives. Many of these skills can be acquired through therapeutic approaches which are appropriate for each individual trauma survivor. The importance of having a trauma informed approach to treatment of mental health issues is imperative in treating trauma with as little chance of revictimization as possible and thus securing higher success rates for patients.

Currently we are conducting research into the causes of trauma. I have included a link to the survey here : https://surveyheart.com/form/5f06e63b3ed8765392fe12d0

If you would be interested in taking part, please feel free. If you would like to share this study i would also welcome you to use the link, many thanks!

Being safe in our bodies helps the mind heal.

When we have been through trauma it affects the whole person- both body and mind. So to help make ourselves feel safe in our bodies, we need to help our mind and body; learning new and appropriate patterns so that we can begin to heal. When have been through trauma we may, disassociate, numb or distract ourselves to avoid feeling. To calm ourself we need to bring ourselves back into our bodies. We can do this by a variety of techniques. Here are some suggestions, I have discovered which you may find helpful, along my journey so far.

Grounding – What is it?

Grounding exercises are helpful when you find yourself feeling distressed or overwhelmed. You can use your senses such as sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch to bring you back down into a normal un-agitated state. If you catch yourself having distressing circling thoughts or painful flashback memories try some grounding exercises. It can be helpful to have multiple grounding exercises to pull out and use. Just like no one grounding exercise works for every person, you might find that one works for you in certain situations but not in others.

Grounding Exercises – example

Feel the weight of your body. Feel the weight in your feet. Focus on that and then move to your legs. Focus on each area of the body and move up until you reach your head.

Chew on some flavoured gum. Notice the sensation in your mouth as you chew it.

Run your hands over something with an interesting texture. Notice how it feels and try to feel every sensation that it gives you.

Try to notice five things you can see, hear, smell or feel.

Step outside. Notice the temperature change and feel the fresh air. Take a deep breath. What do you smell?
Take ten slow deep breaths. Say out loud the number of breath to yourself. Really feel your chest going in and out.

Slowly tense and release your body. Start at your hands and work your way up your arms. Then tense and release your chest and abdomen and work your way down your legs.

Touch something cold like an ice cube or a small piece of metal or stone that you have kept in the fridge.

Smell something strong like a candle or peppermint oil.

Eat something sour, like a lemon.

These are just a few examples of grounding exercises. You can use these or come up with your own. Try different things until you find what works for you.

Breathe work

People who have been through trauma, tend to hold their breath and don’t even realise they are doing so. One thing I found helpful when this was pointed out to me is that I started to notice I was doing this without realising it. So we need to become more aware of our breathe, and even remind our self to breathe properly as quite often we shallow breath too. One suggestion would be to set an alarm on your watch as a reminder. Until you get into a practice of remembering. There are lots of technique’s for breathing.

• Meditation – is not about stopping our thoughts, what we are trying to do is just see, hear, feel the thought and let it pass like a cloud would pass us by in the sky. Bringing our self back into the now and not to get caught up in the thoughts in our head. For example, you can think… Im sat here on my sofa, I feel safe, the room is warm, I can smell the flowers I just bought. This is bringing your thoughts into the present moment, you are not thinking about the past or the future. If you keep repeating bringing yourself back into the present moment you are being mindful.
  Meditation is noticing the space in between the moments. When I was first starting out meditating, I liked to use meditation’s with a guide telling you what to think about or music in the background. Yoga Nidra is very helpful and so relaxing. Start off with a short meditation practice and build up gradually.
• Exercise- especially Yoga or Pilates, helps us focus on the present moment because we have to think about what we are doing, we are synchronising the breathe to the movement. We may explore our limitations, and push our selfs a little. We can stroke and touch our own skin in a soothing calming way. We are gifting our self, time and space. We can get in touch with our body in a safe, relaxing way. As yet there are not many trauma informed practitioners around. So if you want to try these activities, maybe try at home first to see how comfortable you feel because they can be quite exposing for a traumatised individual. I spoke to my Yoga teacher privately and luckily for me she was new to Yoga teaching so she was more than willing to be guided by me as in being touched or me not doing poses when I felt vulnerable. It can be a tricky path to navigate. But I absolutely loved it, That was before covid.

By doing these activities we are creating space to be calm and reconnect with mind and body and let our self know that we are safe.

Elena, TRUK Admin

Emotional Flashbacks

A flashback is a vivid and sometimes intense experience where an individual may relive some aspects of a traumatic event or feel as if it’s happening right now. Flashbacks don’t always involve a dissociative type state such as feeling as if you are watching videos of your trauma, flashbacks don’t always involve reliving your trauma beginning to end and can actually come in the form of feeling physiological sensations such as: pain or pressure, noticing sounds or smells associated to your trauma or experiencing the emotions that you felt during the trauma.

Flashbacks range from one-off smaller experiences that may go unnoticed to repeated places and situations triggering an emotional response. Some flashbacks can be worked through with a combination of therapy, analysis and safe coping mechanisms however, for some flashbacks you need to learn to ride the wave. When emotions come and go, it’s best not to fight them off; rather than to ride with them.

CPTSD triggers often go unrecognised, not like single type 1 traumas with a beginning middle and end that can be identified easily. With CPTSD, due to the nature of traumatic events – multiple traumatic events result in small social environmental cues that can be easily missed. With complex trauma; the effects of trauma are not clear-cut and neither are the flashbacks associated with it. Every person is different and will experience different types of flashbacks and every person may also respond differently to treatment methods.

People with CPTSD and developmental trauma will often think they are going crazy. Breakneck reactions of pure rage may come out from seemingly nowhere. I won’t ever sugarcoat anything I experience and even as recovered as I am; flashbacks still persist to be the number one contributing Factor to the issues I’m working on in my own life. That is because most of my flashbacks are somatic (smell or sounds) or emotional. If I am feeling like I am in any way being put in a situation that is anywhere near to my past, I automatically become emotionally triggered. It causes me to shake and tremor, to be aggressive in language, tone and even needs. I have certain acute symptoms that tend to go hand in hand with being emotionally triggered that I have had to slowly work through to realise.

For a long time, a decade almost – I felt over sensitive. I didn’t know, nor was I given the knowledge of what an emotional flashback was. I thought a flashback was an experience where you viewed the experience beginning to end, and I wasn’t experiencing that, therefore: I can’t have trauma related issues.

Feelings like this are common and can lead to shame and intense self-criticism as our inner critic begins to take control. This can result in self destructive behaviour such as; physical violence, aggression (throwing objects, breaking things) and periods of uncontrolled crying or periods of feeling numb, emotionless or detached.

Emotional flashbacks can cause rage, Insomnia, stomach issues and GI disorders but may also cause a trauma survivor to dissociate which can lead to further mental health issues if prolonged.

The best way in my opinion to combat an emotional flashback is to first understand what range of emotions it can cause. This is usually because an emotional flashback is subtle in it’s beginning and hard to pinpoint for many events. Some emotional flashbacks are easier to pinpoint and when you have found a trigger; address it. Own it. Explore it. Only if you are in a safe enough place to do so.

When you have an understanding of why you seem to “overreact” you can begin to combat it. Our inner critic will be “untamed” and without proper knowledge and understanding, will cause self-doubt. In order to navigate our trauma we need to try to shed the negative judgemental voices within us. The voices that blocks us from healing, because, let’s face it if we heal; they die.

For trauma survivors who experience childhood neglect and developmental trauma; the inner critic is deeply underlying and the brain may have developed its own pathways, causing threats of abandonment, rejection and criticism to create emotional flashbacks. We don’t have to actually experience a situation similar to our traumatic event but the possibility of being abandoned or rejected can cause us an acute or intense emotional flashback response.

The way our brain forms pathways is not conscious. It developed as a response at that particular time in order to survive. Emotional flashbacks are not discrete or clear images but overwhelming emotional states that are very different from our ordinary selves.

It is through better understanding of ourselves and with proper support that we can really begin to free ourselves from the intense overwhelming urges that emotional flashbacks cause.

As you heal through this knowledge that you are not alone and reach for support, you enable yourself to live a less reactive life. Coping mechanisms can slowly start to be incorporated into your life as you also practice self-compassion. Reducing the voice of the Inner critic and replacing with positive affirmations. Hear the critic, but argue back.

When we enter an emotional flashback our bodies suffer physiologically. Adrenaline in excess floods the body, cortisol rises and our body gets into the same state it was when facing our trauma – except the trauma is not there any longer.

Emotional flashbacks can cause the fight, flight, freeze and fawn response (4f), which blocks all rational thinking as explained in identifying emotions and regulating emotions in earlier posts. Flashbacks that are emotional or somatic can be and are very subtle; therefore it can be hard to identify them. It can take years of reflection to identify many of them, but it does all start with knowledge and understanding of what an emotional flashback is and causes.

To deal with the emotional flashbacks we analyse the trigger: what was it? what thoughts were involved? what emotions were involved? It can be beneficial to write them down.

Have realistic expectations of what you can achieve, understand that even people who don’t suffer trauma lose it sometimes. It will happen that an emotional flashback rises that you can’t casually write down on a piece of paper. Maybe you’re not there yet and understand – it that’s ok too, at least you’re here right now with me working on recognising it.

However; keep in mind that by experiencing more positive situations/ outcomes and reflecting on these experiences will mean you are slowly regaining your life back with a more accurate picture of reality. Know that you are stronger than any flashback and dealing with them is a never ending process at times, you just have to accept that.

You have a 100% track record for surviving every single emotional and physical or somatic flashback you have had to endure. You don’t have to be perfect anymore. With self-confidence and strong support and coping you can minimise the effect emotional flashbacks have on the practicality of your life.

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Emotional safety for trauma survivors

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Emotional safety is an emotional state which is achieved in attachment relationships where each individual is open and vulnerable through positive self coping.

If we use maladaptive coping mechanisms to address or regulate emotions, it will have a negative effect on trauma symptoms and cause more difficulties as years progress.

Maladaptive coping mechanisms include: avoiding people, Places, thoughts, memories and feelings. Coupled with negative beliefs such as: “I’m in danger now” and “if people knew…”; each will lead to overwhelming emotions and panic or fear responses.

Also, we can enter an anxiety provoking state or situation and experience physiological symptoms such as: an increased heart rate, muscle tension, spasm/ticks, sweating, dizziness, nausea and cognitive symptoms.

All of which make it much harder to identify the underlying emotion or issue. This leads to emotional distress such as: fear, panic, dread, anger, sadness and behavioral difficulties including a reduced performance in work or personal life and avoidance.

In order to regulate our entire system we must first work on identifying the emotion, understanding it and eventually using coping skills to begin to overcome it or normalise the feeling within our body.

DBT therapy suggests using strategies such as opposite action – where you do the opposite action of how you feel at that given moment (i.e getting up and dancing when feeling depressive symptoms etc), analysis of past experiences and emotions – which is similar to the worksheet added in our group: recognising emotions.

Efforts should be in focusing on positives and not negatives: using positive language and focusing on positive outcomes that have happened in the situation that is being analysed.

It is important to remember that our thinking is not faulty as CBT tends to suggest. It is a natural response to an unnatural event. It is important to “own it” and explore it as professor Van Der Kolk explains within his developmental theory.

When we experience emotion there is a behaviour; no matter what that emotion may be. Safe coping skills such as TRE (trauma release exercises) can really help in the moment when coupled with therapy. Professor Van Der kolk explains our body and mind to be in connection. Trauma and emotion can become stuck in our bodies; using TRE alongside other methods may be helpful in not only giving quick relief but normalising symptoms so our bodies become used to it as part of a natural response. (sweating, tense/spasming muscles, ticks). I have added a graphic within our group which shows the places that trauma and negative emotions are held within our bodies. I have also read research that mentioned past trauma can also be held in our calves and lower extremities.

Professor Van Der Kolk also explains the benefits of using yoga and Pilates in order to release the trauma that is stored within our bodies. However, he did state that yoga was not beneficial for some patients (and vice versa), The Silence of it brought racing thoughts and overthinking as well as flashbacks in either form (somatic, emotional, physical). Once again, as every trauma is different, every treatment method and coping mechanism will be too, so it is important to really be careful when experimenting with any coping mechanism as it can cause retraumatization – please only do so with support.

To gain a good level of emotional safety, it is important to identify and label triggers, recognise personal obstacles to changing emotions, reduce emotional vulnerability during conflict by managing conflict appropriately, increasing positive emotional events in reflecting positively on these – maybe writing them down in a mood journal or diary. Emotional safety can also be obtained using mindfulness with current emotions, taking opposite action as DBT suggests and practicing distress tolerance techniques.

Distress tolerance skills give us the power to manage our distress in a healthier way: when we may not be able to control a situation; however need to manage our response. Distress tolerance skills include self-soothing, grounding through senses and distraction. I’ve added a worksheet regarding this into files within our group.

There are many other methods to cope with distressing emotions and increase your emotional safety of which I will link below.

It is important to note, that as every trauma differs, the safe regulating skill which works for one, may not benefit another. Again, the realisation that your emotional safety is heavy in maladaptive coping is the first step in gaining control and freedom back. Each one of us is at a different stage in our recovery journey, but emotional safety can be obtained through slow and gradual work.

Links

https://www.sunrisertc.com/distress-tolerance-skills/#tipp
https://www.appliedbehavioranalysisprograms.com/faq/what-is-distress-tolerance

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The recovery path

Trauma responses have been described as a set of learnt behaviours. During childhood: the brain is still developing its neural pathways and this may have additional impact on recovery.

Recently, I have read professor Van Der Kolk describing childhood trauma experiences through dysfunctional parenting or family systems and of which should be held within a separate trauma “disorder” category. If this were to be the case however; the DSM would literally half. It is thought that many mental illnesses originate from early childhood trauma such as; borderline, ADHD, eating disorders, OCD, generalized anxiety and depression. This would have great implications for recovery but would also make trauma disorders one of the most common mental illness in the UK and beyond.

Trauma is this viewed as being environmental in nature, with no genetic factor. As a mother, I worried that I would ‘pass on’ my complex trauma to my daughter when I was pregnant. However as it is not genetic, the only way trauma would be carried on (generational trauma) would be through external stimulus making for a stressful pregnancy. (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/05/170529090530.htm)

As a disorder is caused by; a lack of nurture (developmental trauma), trauma occurring from interpersonal relationships (c-ptsd) or witnessing trauma and being involved in a one-off trauma event (ptsd).

In order to heal from trauma we need a multi-level approach which heals our selves and how we approach relationships as well as heals our body.

If trauma is a learned process, then it can ultimately be unlearned (Walker, 2013), however at some level: if the traumatic experience has been too complex – it may take a long time for us to trust another nevermind our own mind. Walker does suggest alternative healing methods through animals, music art and online therapy if the trauma we endured feels at this moment too hard to bear.

Recovery is a long path of Endurance and courage: with many turns over many landscapes and through multiple climates. It isn’t straightforward to say the least, the journey of recovery (or to) can bend back only to make it seem longer. We all know the more we drive a road in a car or route as a passenger, that we remember it. It makes recovery seem a little less scary if we view it in the same respect.

Recovery from trauma requires a multidimensional approach. As the body and mind are connected, we must not only heal our approaches to relationships and our mind, but we also need to release the tension that is built and stored within our bodies.

‘Mind.Org’ state that 1 in 6 people in England report experiencing a common mental health problem that could be caused by childhood developmental trauma (and may actually be undiagnosed).

Currently rates of mental illness in the UK are:

PTSD 4:100
Mixed anxiety and depression 8:100
Generalized anxiety 6:100
Depression 3:100
OCD 1:100
Borderline personality disorder 2:100

Can we take a minute to internalize how huge including an additional developmental disorder would be on these statistics?!

Matthew and Skuse (2014) built the trauma recovery model (see unit 3 in our group) on the notion that recovering from trauma is multilevel. It follows from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (1943) which shows basic safety and physiological needs are required to be met before healthy psychological growth. Therefore, if you are not meeting these basic needs; adequate sleep, food, hygiene and education etc progression on to the next level of Recovery will not be fully possible. The first level described by Matthew and Skuse are all attained by achieving enough respect for your body and mind that you have a healthy level of self-care. Realising when you’re mind needs rest and recovery but also when your body does too.

As we develop along the path we begin to trust people and form relationships. Challenges of boundaries and openness can be explored with adequate support, as can adding safer coping mechanisms to our toolbox.

Matthew and Skuse state that is this trust in addition to meeting one’s own basic needs; that it becomes possible to really look at our personal trauma in more detail. This allows for more personal issues to arise that are unique to the individual and trauma. I believe, as adults we can have an understanding of our own trauma, even if we haven’t an adequate level of self-care or met all of our basic needs. We only need to look at eating disorders to argue that.

With trauma, the main goal is to attain some level of control and stability within our minds and release pent-up tension held within our bodies.

Revisiting memories in the form of EMDR has been debated. Do we really need to experience every trauma event all over again to feel safe, or can we attain that control and safety through other means? Imagine how freeing it would be, if we could enter treatment in the safety that it is trauma informed, that we don’t have to go back there instead focus on here and gain strength through self-reflection and coping (Herman, 1992).

For Hermann’s model of trauma informed therapy please see unit 3 in the group.

From the research that I have come across today, we can see that freeing ourselves from the past as possible in some cases of trauma, for other complex cases and developmental cases: gaining the tools to feel in control, stable and willing to reconnect; will give us the best possible chance at living a life free from the constraints of overwhelming trauma. The waves will still come, but through trauma informed therapy and bodywork (tapping, TRE, yoga, pilates, meditation and even art) we can gain a raft and a paddle to begin to navigate our own boat to safer waters.

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Gaslighting within a parent child relationship

Children who have had unloving parents or carers may become victims of gaslighting.

A narcissistic parents anger, criticism and thoughtless dismissal of a child’s feelings are painful and destructive to the child. Furthermore; that causes the child to grow and develop into an adult with severe self-doubt issues, low confidence and self esteem, and is more likely to downplay any illness or injury they may have in order to not seem as if they’re attention-seeking as they have been told.

Children hold onto these beliefs and they will stop any behaviour in order to try to be the perfect child, even if this behaviour is normal for their development – a child will blindly follow their parent.

A narcissistic parent will stay true to form meeting any confrontation with drama, deflection and a focus on the child’s shortcomings. Over a period of time this causes the child to grow and feel like they are the problem not the narcissistic parent that is gaslighting. It is very difficult for a child to realise they have been victim of Gaslighting.

If causing trauma or focusing on the child’s shortcomings doesn’t reap the desired effect; the narcissistic parent will turn to denial.

Confrontation makes a narcissistic parent feel cornered. when this happens, they can’t and won’t validate a child’s feelings or experiences, instead rewrite and distort the child’s reality.

Often parents who Gaslight put a face on in public and seem to be good and loving parents. This creates confusion and resentment within the child. Narcissistic parents can also pit siblings against each other or play favourites. Obviously this has devastating consequences.

Gaslighting is considered abuse and if you are a child of a parent who has been gaslighting you, you have been an abused child. I personally find it very important to own what has happened to us, whatever that may be.

A parent who gaslights may hide objects just to cause the child to doubt the situation and blame themselves. They may also belittle the child in either how they dress or act. This is in order to try and make the child fit there mold. However, the only effect that it has is to produce an adult who never feels good enough for anyone.

A narcissistic parent who gaslights will require and demand full control and power over their child’s life regardless of what age their child is. This spans on into adulthood, where the parent tries to control marital relationships, jobs and personal life. They may seclude you from friends, functions and other family members. Only the abuser can influence victims thinking, they require full control.

One subtle tactic abusers use is attempting to alternate between ignoring and attending to the victim. This causes the victim to lower expectations of what affection they deserve and perceive themselves as less worthy of affection leading to acceptance of mistreatment and the belief such treatment is normal.

Currently we are conducting research into the causes of trauma. I have included a link to the survey here : https://surveyheart.com/form/5f06e63b3ed8765392fe12d0

If you would be interested in taking part, please feel free. If you would like to share this study i would also welcome you to use the link, many thanks!