Trauma 101 – A no bullshit guide to everything trauma.

#60 – Self -sabotage (SS)

Self-sabotage refers to behaviours or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do.

• Within relationships, It is where you actively (or passively) try to ruin your own relationship or make it fall apart, whether consciously or subconsciously. For some survivors, this is such an ingrained behaviour that it can be hard to even recognize, let alone prevent.
• Within a survivor’s personal life; self sabotage can play havoc within work, individual health and healing.
  The details

Self Sabotage is unintentional and subtle and thus can be difficult to realise as it presents in various areas of life from relationships to work and our personal lives. Individuals who find themselves sabotaging aspects of their lives can be left feeling incredibly frustrated and powerless as it slowly strips ones self confidence and esteem. There are various reasons behind why an individual may use self sabotage as a behaviour (explained below), however, many of these reasons actually stem from a lack of trust or belief in ourselves.

In terms of relationships; Self Sabotage becomes apparent in relationships, not to intentionally hurt another, rather than self-sabotage being a default survival pattern that survivors (of trauma) may have adopted. The reactions ‘we’ have are due to conditioned survival responses which are commonly disproportionate to the situation.
-Within relationships involving one or more individuals with a trauma related issue; we often find each individual triggering the other to feel activated causing projection of emotions and guilt from both parties. This can be an extremely difficult issue to navigate however it is possible to work through with the correct support and guidance.
-Within trauma; it can be like multiple personalities fighting for dominance at times. Self Sabotage is when you have certain intention or things to do but are unable to start, stop halfway, lose interest or freeze in the process. This is either a conscious or subconscious thought which can also result in physical reactions; further preventing you from completing your intentions.
In terms of trauma;
Self Sabotage is seen usually when there is conflicting interests within yourself, some of which may be buried deep within your inner child. When you hold two states of mind; it results in a mixed message being sent out. SS doesn’t only happen in relationships however and can be found alongside behaviours (or coping mechanisms) such as; substance abuse and eating disorders. SS is usually seen in individuals with low self-worth who also fear failure/success, require control to feel settled; or individuals with a disorganised attachment style.
Signs that you may be self sabotaging include; procrastination, focusing on what isn’t working, quitting close to a goal or setting unrealistic goals, using excuses that you know aren’t entirely true, masking emotions, starting arguments by demanding how people act or that something insignificant gets done.
It is also common with SS to feel fake and undeserving or not worthy of success (or love), using comparisons as excuses and not asserting ones individual boundaries. This is especially true for survivors of developmental trauma and childhood emotional neglect. The dynamic of this type of abuse causes a child to develop with a deep inner self hate that can be hard to alter, in such cases; the survivor will have undoubtedly grown issues in regards to healthy boundaries as well as implementing these boundaries in everyday life.
Self Sabotage is described as an addiction as it involves actions that bring relief from the pressure of success however, detrimental to our functioning.
As with many other struggles a survivor may face; motivation can be a great challenge and at times be devoid completely within ones life. Self Sabotage becomes a habit that can be changed through being mindful and aware of how SS itself may manifest. What can somehow seem a realistic goal can become a way to repeatedly harm our selves as we become obsessed with the process and lose track of who we are along the way.

Where does self sabotage actually stem from?

Survivors of trauma who use self sabotage commonly lack self-worth and carry a disbelief in ones own ability to achieve goals as well as the confidence in oneself in which to do so (or attempt in the first place). The inner critic may run so rampant within a survivors mind that a common narrative forms being; ‘not enough’ statements (not good enough, not smart enough, not qualified enough, not thin enough, not funny enough; and the narrative continues).

• Survivors of developmental trauma may have been told on numerous occasions by the very individuals that are supposed to care and love them unconditionally; that they are many of these ‘not enough’ statements. This outer narrative imposed by parental figures (or authority figures, caregivers and providers) carries through from the developmental phase to adult life. What was once the unsolicited opinion of a trusted (yet abusive) figure – becomes a survivors inner voice and many survivors of trauma find this very aspect the most difficult to navigate and adjust. When ‘we’ speak to ourselves in such a way; it alters how we present ourselves to the outside world. In many cases; this can be where the conflict in fact comes in to play – when our inner narrative is echoing the narrative of past abuse; a fight ensues within our mind between what we subconsciously know and what we consciously feel.
• Survivors of adult interpersonal relationship trauma may also encounter issues within self sabotaging behaviour. Even those individuals with the healthiest of childhood – may still suffer self sabotage due to interpersonal abuse in adult life. Humans are built to instinctively connect, to connect with others and share experience. In this intrinsic nature, it becomes natural that the opinion of others hold a huge weight for any individual, when an interpersonal relationship becomes abusive; this goes against our very core of being human and this is where the difficulties in processing seem to begin. Examples of interpersonal relationship trauma include; domestic violence, adult workplace bullying, elder abuse, abuse experienced from friends, family, platonic strangers and within healthcare setting. Self sabotage can result following trauma in adulthood due to the nature of the self being fluid and interchangeable, even the most confident individual can lose their sense of self in certain social circumstances – this elasticity of the self means that sabotage behaviour can impact absolutely any type of survivor of trauma.

Any trauma type that left a survivor feeling insecure, unconfident and relying on (maladaptive) coping may also lead to SS type behaviour. Individual survivors who fear success and associated issues (I.e with success comes notoriety, publicity, criticism and competition) – SS may rear itself at the most uninviting of times.

Similar to this, trauma has the potential to cause issues with control, displacement (the belief we will fail no matter what – ‘I wont meet the deadline anyway’) and an intense fear of failure causing the individual survivor to back away from even trying in the first place; all of which may catalyse SS type behaviour or further embed SS tactics in to habitual responses.

Identifying self sabotage

Consider how true or untrue the following questions are with regards to your own life;

Do I focus on self defeating thoughts? (Thoughts such as; I’m worthless, I wont be able to manage that, I’m not good enough etc) – Focusing on self defeating thoughts can be an indicator of self-sabotage.

Do I prioritise self care? (Self care – the act of attending to one’s physical or mental health, generally without medical or other professional consultation (often used attributively) – Survivors who are not able to prioritize or balance self care are at risk from self sabotage.

Do I avoid what needs to be done? – As covered, lacking motivation and drive is an important indicator of SS behaviour.

Do I tend to procrastinate? – procrastination is a tool often used by SS in order to prolong or distract from original goals

Do I prioritize instant gratification? (The desire to experience pleasure without delay – so constantly choosing pleasurable activities in the here and now despite what may need to be attended to (which is not considered as desirable) – prioritising what you desire now over what isn’t viewed as gratifying however is more important is one of the biggest factors involved in SS.
—*A yes answer to these (a part from prioritising self care) can be an indicator that you use self sabotage within your own life, there is an abundance of support available on the specifics of recovery on our facebook group; trauma research UK.

I Identify with self sabotaging behaviours; what do I do now?

The first step to overcoming anything in life is to first identify it, and in that case; we’re pretty much there! So let’s see that as a positive start as we look at more ways in which we can overcome such coping styles and reactions.

This is where the no BS part really comes in to use.

In order to overcome self sabotage; a survivor must work within in order to find a sense of inner confidence and trust. Honestly ask yourself what it is that is preventing you from achieving your goals, if you feel you deserve better and determine what it is that scares you – make a list of specific barriers you feel that you face, this can help with recovery as it provides a sort of blueprint of which to work from.

Have a think back to your own experiences; are there any similarities in what was once said to you and what you now say to yourself? Really try and look within and ask yourself; these things that you repeat – would you say them to a child? Another human? Your own self narrative should be a happy place, filled with positive affirmation and inner confidence. This is because the way we speak to ourselves translates to our daily life in many ways; speaking in negative ways can increase ones negative self experience and vice versa; speaking positively will increase an individuals propensity to experience positive experiences in life.

To overcome self sabotage, it can be helpful to make a list of the things which you perceive to be preventing you from getting what you want. Then get real with it, have a look at this list and identify things in your life that are truly holding you back; focus on personal thought, motivation, others input or support and work through both small and larger issues.

Focus on the things that you have already achieved, these things are a direct argument against your SS behaviour and tendancies, When we positively focus on our past achievements; future goals seem more reasonable and able to accomplish. It can also be heklpful to note down the specific things you did in order to meet your last goals, how did you push through a moment of insecurity? What positive things can you take from accomplishing past goals? How did you work through a difficult period? See your strength from past attempts – successful or not, an attempt at a specific goal is a huge accomplishment for an individual struggling with self sabotage type behaviour.

Keep in mind that failure is an option and one which will bring positive learning and growth if approached in a balanced way. Failure is nothing but an opportunity to grow; it doesn’t define your character in any way rather than present an opportunity to approach a task or situation in a different way.

When self worth becomes an issue, survivors often focus on what they could do wrong in proposed situations. Negative thinking itself is a problem which many survivors face; habitually negative thought plagues a survivors daily life and is something which is the focus of throughout therapy due to the havoc it can cause. This aside, issues in feeling worthy often lead to poor self care and trauma responses (putting others before yourself (fawning), agitation and impulse control (fight and flight responses), perfectionism and control reliance (freeze response). It can therefore be beneficial to make self care a priority in re-establishing inner worth and confidence – be mindful of remaining patient and compassionate with yourself when working through your own trauma journey – or when supporting a partner who is a survivor on their own path.

When self care is a priority; every aspect of recovery becomes that little bit easier.

This includes self sabotage; individuals are more equipped to deal with their fears and move beyond the limitations and control which self sabotage undoubtedly entails.

The Downward spiral for trauma survivors

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Most trauma survivors also experience depressive symptoms to the extent that the diagnosis of depression or anxiety may come prior to the realisation of having a trauma disorder or even experiencing trauma itself. It is a common trend in the uk to unsuccessfully treat depression or anxiety in potentially millions of patients primarily suffering unresolved trauma. That initial diagnosis of depression, anxiety, borderline, bipolar, OCD, anorexia and a whole host of separate psychiatric illness may instead be a symptom of trauma, of the progression of maladaptive coping and reliance or of a plethora of other issues stemming from unknown or ‘silent’ trauma’s. Therefore it is not only common for individuals to attend psychiatric treatment for a symptom of trauma, but to feel unsuccessful after treatment as many underlying issues still remain. That being said, the addition of developmental trauma and a developed ACE screen would have the potential to change not only the face of mental illness but the statistics that come as a result of said treatment.

When looking at the depressive symptoms of trauma related illnesses; symptoms do not always follow along a clear cut line of the criteria for diagnosis of depression. Clinically, depression is diagnosed as a feeling of hopelessness and despair on most days – lasting at least 2 years, which leads to avoidance, sell harm or suicidal behaviour, memory issues, Insomnia or oversleeping and the lack of interest or over interest in food. On a scale; depression can range from mild, moderate and severe and as recently researched – “high functioning”. High functioning depression is similar to the standard definition of depression however the individual experience a less ‘severe’ symptom type and can or is a functioning member of society (Ie holding a job, has a support structure, can maintain social life etc).

The NHS look and treat depression over a 6-week course of CBT as a standard protocol as well as introducing medication to stabilize an individuals depressive/reactive symptoms; making it ‘easier’ to work through and be successful at therapy provided. This is not always the case for a variety of reasons; however during this particular article, I intend to focus on how unresolved trauma causes relapses in a trauma survivors recovery journey – or as the NHS have stated; how depression causes a Downward Spiral.

Therapy provided by the NHS regarding The Downward Spiral of mood (1) looks at how an individuals depression and low mood causes a downward spiral and a potential relapse in treatment. I tend to view the latter differently, I view it as how unresolved trauma causes relapses in a trauma survivors recovery journey. With focus shifting away from an individual’s “faulty cognition” and onto the potential that an individual may have developed maladaptive coping a response to (unresolved) trauma. That being said; I would like to dissect the downward spiral model further and apply it to trauma in a more trauma informed way

NHS UK shows the downward spiral to be concurrent with depression however one could easily apply it to many other psychiatric illnesses. The notion being when an individual is depressed they experience low mood which leads to negative thinking and low self-worth. This is said to cause an individual to behave in ways that maintain the depressive mood, causing a downward spiral (1).

This notion is based on the CBT method of treating depression. Even within intensive trauma therapy programs set by NHS; depression is viewed as a sub disorder or comorbidity to individuals with trauma. Having looked at developmental trauma previously, we know that both complex trauma and childhood trauma cause an individual to feel shame, low self-worth and to have a negative mindset imprinted within them. One that is difficult to deconstruct in terms of trauma symptoms. Applying the model explained by the NHS to trauma can be destructive; placing some blame on the individual for experiencing a downward spiral of mood due to their own “faulty cognition” and not as a relapse or awakening of unresolved trauma can serve to retraumatise and compound feelings of low self-worth and shame in survivors.

The downward spiral as applied to unresolved trauma – gives a survivor a greater understanding of why they seem to frequently feel like they are in cycles of coping vs crisis.

The NHS further state that is through responding to a low mood with negative thinking or unhelpful behaviours that can result in an individual being stuck in a downward spiral of negative thoughts and unhelpful behaviours leading to another episode of depression. It is through “not being able to tolerate a mild state of depression and avoid negative thinking and behaviours” which creates this downward spiral and thus having the ability to challenge negative thoughts and behaviours with safer coping will allow an individual to maintain theur mood positively and safely.

With regards to ‘pure’ depression with no other comorbidity or trauma being involved; this is in many ways correct and a little bit of common sense. However with regards to the fact that 1 in 13 individuals suffer traumatic events in the UK within their life – the standard depression that the NHS diagnose may not be the full picture. For those individuals who had “high functioning depression” or a “depression” diagnosis turn to the realisation that they actually experienced trauma; the standard treatment and explanation may be counterproductive and dangerous.

Trauma survivors are notoriously hardened to being able to withstand others negative tactics and projections. It’s not so much the case that a trauma survivor cannot ‘tolerate’ a mild and negative state than a trauma survivor unknowingly may use negative coping which can eventually manifest to a secondary illness. Many individuals of Childhood trauma or interpersonal relationship trauma may have been taught at one point that these coping mechanisms brought safety. In terms of brain development and function; we already know trauma changes neural pathways and volume in areas of the brain. Therefore it is not through low tolerance that a survivor may enter a downward spiral rather than that is all they are wired to know at that point in time – unresolved trauma thus needs to be explored to understand the reasons why an individual may repeatedly experience cycles of coping vs crisis.

In many instances, a trauma survivor may not always be aware of everything traumatic that ever happened to them. This could be either due to memory changes in the brain, dissociation or age and developmental stage at the time of traumatic events. In fact, it is very common for a survivor of trauma to be hit by either new nemories or new triggers on a day-to-day basis – even hour to hour in some instances. The triggering of one memory or one small aspect may set off a chain reaction of memories and triggers; flooding the body, making it feel at times that the event has just happened all over again and is just as raw as it once was.

The fact being in this case the already heightened survival mode becomes activated and an individual initially relies on their 4f or cross type responses. Frequent reliance on these responses is known to have the ability to manifest into secondary psychiatric illnesses, however in terms of the downward spiral, we see a survivors use of these responses as being the cause of.

In cases of Childhood trauma and developmental trauma, it is common to have a variety of unresolved traumatic events manifest suddenly and without warning. Similarly, in cases of adult complex trauma; dissociation and numbing during the event can we lead to effects manifesting years later leading to a downward spiral in TRAUMA symptoms.

It is also common for survivors of trauma to experience subtle emotional or somatic flashbacks or to be inadvertently triggered; unaware of the cause. A survivor of trauma can have hundreds of different triggers, some of which they are unaware until they are faced with suddenly. With regards to the downward spiral, it may not be caused solely by a low mood and negative behaviour but instead caused by the sudden realisation of events once unresolved being triggered and awakened.

With regards to the NHS treatment protocol, focus is placed on overcoming negative thoughts and behaviour through fixing ‘faulty cognition’ either via behavioural strategies, acceptance or cognitive strategies. If the NHS were however to take a more trauma informed approach to treating all mental illness – we may find a massive change in the current statistics of mental health in the UK.

A trauma informed approach is necessary for screening for the true effects of trauma in individuals. Further normalising what a large proportion of the UK may inadvertently suffer from and removing some of the stigma of ‘poor’ mental health. Instead of solely treating depression or depressive SYMPTOMS through behavioral and cognitive modification, identifying past unresolved issues when they arise or giving an individual the knowledge and understanding of that possibility could serve to benefit millions of people in the UK.

Our research group can be found here;
https://www.facebook.com/groups/2348717965433957/?ref=share

Currently we are conducting research into the causes of trauma. I have included a link to the survey here : https://surveyheart.com/form/5f06e63b3ed8765392fe12d0

If you would be interested in taking part, please feel free. If you would like to share this study i would also welcome you to use the link, many thanks!

References

1. Dr. Lisa Reynolds (2012), the downward spiral. NHS UK therapy options for CBT

Using anger to grieve past trauma.

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In recovering from trauma, survivors face a phase of grieving in order to propel and resolve overwhelming feelings associated with past trauma. Recovery through grieving allows an individual to work through the loss associated with experiencing trauma. Grieving effectively aids trauma recovery and helps a survivor of trauma with the death-like feeling of being lost/trapped within trauma flashbacks and memories. An overview of recovery through grieving can be found here

Using anger as a grieving method

In order to recover from trauma; it can be helpful to grieve the loss of self through the four responses of grieving; anger, sadness, verbal ventilation and feeling.

Using anger as a grieving tool can serve to benefit a survivor of trauma by replacing critic driven attacks of the self with an increased self compassion and the revival of past protective instincts.

In order to vent the injustice of past trauma and injustice, a survivor must embrace the disdain of previous events and their outcomes. Trauma brings a sense of loss; the loss of one’s sense of self, compassion and perceived safety. As social animals, humans crave a sense of belonging. Grieving the loss of one’s sense of self is imperative to recovery from trauma.

Anger is a natural emotion, a warning sign that self protection is necessary as ones boundaries are tested or crossed. As a base emotion for a plethora of underlying injustices – anger is grown by the need to protect; humans are born to express emotions freely; this Instinct can become dulled through social circumstance and experience; making the notion and act of anger difficult to attain.

Anger must be processed in the mind and body; unresolved emotions such as anger can cause a range of issues for an individual. Repressed anger presents as; sarcasm, self sabotage, abandonment fears, muscle tension in the jaw, upper back and stomach; fatigue, a compromised immune system, nail biting/picking/chewing, substance reliance/dependence, addiction, control issues, difficulties saying “no”, passive aggressive communication styles and at times ultimate denial. An individual with repressed anger may be in such a state of denial they believe they are inherently happy however display physiological or psychological reactions which indicate an anger response.

It is important to note that for those survivors who cannot express anger (or any of the grieving methods) work on with a trauma informed therapist should be completed prior to recovering through grieving. In such instances, emotional labeling and becoming aware of one’s emotional waves is a great fundamental basis for prior grieving work.

Whether anger is managed alone or with support, working through such feelings alone can be incredibly beneficial in building a sense of armour in order to protect oneself from inner critic attacks.

Anger is a deep emotional response that can be productive or destructive; to oneself and others and especially if not used appropriately. If anger is processed in maladaptive ways; it can lead to the manifestation of unsafe coping and further issues with mental health. There is no need to rage directly at the abuser, especially if a survivor is still within the dynamics of abuse. It is important to remember that only some growth can be obtained whilst residing within similar toxic conditions as these circumstances will inadvertently cause triggers, Flashbacks and reliance upon one’s survival mechanisms (leading the survivor unable to fully reflect or gain appropriate perception of their environment or reactions).

Using anger to grieve past trauma rescues a survivor from feelings of inadequacy and powerlessness they once were forced to experience. Through self defence and protection, anger releases a survivor from the chains of past abuse and expectations.

When a survivor is able to vent the injustices of the past; complain of past loss (both loss of self and loss of perceived safety/nurturing relationships) and rage about previous intimidation tactics used against them – they open themselves to a new world of forgiveness and compassion. Not forgiveness of the abuser as that is not necessarily required in order to grieve, but forgiveness of the self and the reparenting (and nurturing) of one’s inner child.

It is perfectly acceptable and is encouraged that a survivor rages the neglect, humiliation, lack of safety, betrayal, protection and lack of guidance they faced or endured. To be able to accept that what happened was only the fault of those who chose to do unthinkable acts and not the fault of ourselves is to open our horizon to freedom and inner peace. When we have spent the majority of our new lives berating or criticising ourselves not only does the inner critic take on its own identity, we become used to speaking and treating ourselves in the exact same way the abuser did. We are angry at the fact the situation occurred in the first place more than the intricate acts of abuse we independently experienced.

The inner critic can manifest to one’s own personality and become enmeshed in ones identity making it difficult to separate. As life continues, the critic begins to take the driving seat in ones own reactions and perception. Fighting the critic reduces such attacks by substitution of thought (replacing negative self talk with positive) and thought correlation (when i revert to; “shut up!” I will instead ask for a break etc). Such reflection leads to an increased sense of personal likeability and desire for interpersonal boundaries.

Anger is a great tool in using to defend against critic centered attacks. The “shut up” one may revert to telling oneself can be counteracted by thought substitution and correlation which eventually becomes habitual. Stopping self hate and blame by redirecting the anger a survivor may feel towards the self with anger to the event can help to aid one’s self compass and realign ones inner needs and desires.

Anger as a grieving method also teaches a survivor to assertively respond to the self and others. It revives previous lost instincts of self protection and defence as ones inner boundaries increase; a survivor gains confidence in furthering their recovery by taking more risk and building positive experiences.

Emotional avoidance is a common maladaptive way of coping with anger. It is natural for a survivor to fear anger, in many instances anger was used as a precedent to abuse faced and so in a survivors adult life this emotional response becomes tangled with negative past experiences as well as poor self reflection and compassion making ultimately a fearful response.

Being accepting of anger as a natural emotion is crucial in using it effectively to recover from past trauma. The biological reactions that anger brings can also be used to one’s advantage; the adrenaline and cortisol can be used to get tasks done, to process emotion and to strengthen boundaries.

Anger can be productive and empower or it can take on a destructive form and turn to envy, hate, disdain, bitterness and distrust. Each destressing facet that anger may bring only arrives through maladaptive use and coping. Anger as an emotional response has a natural curve and will dull, having safety in this fact is imperative; knowing that the anger you feel is temporary and as a protective measure can be beneficial in using it safely.

This technique of recovery is not a short process. Anger naturally presents itself across recovery. The key is in using it when it does arrive to be productive to one’s trauma recovery; by using anger to positively recover one’s inner psyche over years of background work.

The reconstruction of anger towards abuser(s) limits the potential for a survivor to reenter a new toxic relationship. As is common for many survivors of trauma; toxic relationships can cause compounding of trauma experienced and a plethora of issues with retraumatization. Allowing oneself to feel the anger that is natural will open new parameters to reflection which will allow a survivor to see warning signs clearly and employ a reactionary style to preserve their inner self.

Using anger effectively increases personal boundaries and gives it strength as well as increasing self confidence and compassion. All three absolutely essential in furthering ones recovery journey, it is not without the other that one can fully accept oneself and release the blame and guilt that has been unresolved.

It is important for a survivor to take time in assessing healthier ways to express anger and use it safely. Some ways that anger can be expressed in a healthier manner are covered below

Work with support

Support gives a survivor a second set of eyes and opinion, in many cases support can be helpful in allowing a survivor of trauma to face difficulties with conflict (either self or relationship). Support from a trauma informed therapist can be important to work through the various issues which survivors of trauma face in their day to say life, providing validation and building confidence and ultimately helping build a strong foundation for which to recover. Many survivors may not feel comfortable using a therapist for support or may not be in the place to do so. Support can come in all forms, our group supports survivors by providing knowledge and information about our own trauma in order to help others feel less alone, online friendship can be beneficial for a survivor beginning their recovery journey as it removes the uncontrolled aspects of making and maintaining “real world” friendships.

Muscle release

As trauma and unresolved emotions are stored in our body; it is as equally important to work on releasing repressed trauma from the body through muscle release or meditation. Participation in trauma release exercise can really aid a survivor in letting go of the pent up emotions which become stored within our body. More info and examples of TRE can be found in our Facebook group.

Focus on the little things

Focusing on the small positives on one’s life can also aid a survivor in managing to balance anger appropriately. Reflecting on the reason behind the anger as well as balancing with reasons they are still OK in this moment can really cement a survivors recovery especially during difficult times.
This can be achieved by replacing negative self talk with more positive affirmations and balancing the in-the-moment anger that a survivor of trauma experiences. Practicing gratitude can be helpful in building these skills.

Build a positive circle

In this age of technology and at a time of lockdown restrictions and recommendations, a circle can be a small number of online relationships and friendship. There is no neccesity in meeting face to face, the goal primarily is to form a positive trusting circle with similar individuals of whom you can open up and reflect with. Reflecting in a group can propel recovery as the brain reacts to the opinions of one’s “pack” more intensely than individual thought.

Work on staying in the present

It is common for a survivor of trauma to over analyse the past in an effort to try to understand it. This is an important aspect of recovery however focusing on just one aspect leads to an imbalance and uneven recovery. Working on staying in the present not only helps an individual from basing present day decisions on past experience but gives a sense of freedom from past abuse. As the singular event(s) is over (and in some cases ongoing); the only fuel that can be given to it is that of a survivors own mind.

Although it is imperative to process the symptoms of trauma and at times the event that occured; it must not be forgotten to balance this with healthy expression in all forms. A balanced approach stops a misdirected recovery and helps a survivor of trauma to begin to live again. Anger, although commonly feared is a useful emotion to express with regards to grieving trauma.

Repressed memories

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Individuals who have experienced trauma in the developmental period or within adult interpersonal relationships may find one of the most difficult aspects to recover is forgotten (or repressed) memories.

Research has shown there to be two types of forgotten memory; those that are consciously blocked by the individual; and those that are subconsciously forgotten as a protective measure from our brain. The latter of which generally involves a deep trauma and causes the brain to drop the memory into a “non-conscious zone”.

Memory repression is a controversial area which is still debated to this day. Originating from Freud in the late 1800s; we see the belief that memory repression is a defence mechanism against traumatic events. Freud believed that those individuals who showed signs of having set symptoms with no clear cause were actually suffering from repressed memories. Individuals suffering from memory suppression had no memory of the trauma(s) however experienced set body symptoms which suggested an underlying subconscious thought.

This causes controversy as many theorists within the field believe that memory is highly flawed and completely subject to individual bias and perception. Memories are formed by this bias; how we felt in the moment and how we felt emotionally at the time. Personally, this notion leads one to believe that in cases of complex trauma and developmental trauma; as personal emotions worsen during these relationships; instances of abuse are thus compounded due to the already abused psyche holding extreme negative emotion at the time of trauma.

Memories are still useful in exploring accompanied psychological issues however, one should be aware that the perception of these memories may have been heightened or in some cases unduly subdued through dissociation at the time of trauma.

Repressed memories are stored deep within the body, construction of this concept has led to many trauma-informed theorists adopting the belief that working with the body can be beneficial in healing from trauma; especially trauma that has been purposely forgotten.

Professor Van Der Kolk stated that unpacking suppressed memories in an attempt to remember them may not in fact be as useful as once thought with regards to healing trauma.

In contrast to this, Theorists who believe regaining ones memory to be beneficial to recovery and so offer repressed memory therapy.

Repressed memory therapy is designed to access and recover past memory in an effort to releive unexplained symptoms which accompany trauma. Practitioners of this often use a variety of techniques such as hypnosis and guided imagery to aid the recovery of repressed memories.

Approaches to this include;

• Primal therapy
• Sensorimotor psychotherapy
• Somatic transformation therapy
• Brainspotting
• Neurolinguostic programming
• Internal family systems therapy

However, science-based research and evidence doesn’t support the effectiveness of these approaches due to the unintended consequences they bring.

Approaches to recover memory often result in an individual constructing false memories to replace the void. Such memories created through suggestion by therapies can actually cause a plethora of new issues to arise.

Not only do they have a hugely negative impact on the trauma Survivor; but the individuals who may be implicated as a result.

There are various ways in which a survivor of trauma may not hold the memory they seek. In cases of trauma occurring in childhood, simple age may be a factor; dissociation is often used by child survivors in order to withstand parental abuse whilst remaining emotionally attached to said figure(s). This detachment; also used in adult complex trauma, can blur or block the memory of event. It has also shown to be common in instances of Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) where the child may dissociate until they are emotionally equipped to deal with said memory.

In instances of child abuse or neglect; memory may take different meaning and make more sense later in life either due to life experience or therapeutic support. In such cases of realising the significance of an event or memory; it can be common for the now adult survivor to rexperience the trauma and be presented by an acute onset of trauma symptoms as a result.

Some additional symptoms which could be present due to unresolved trauma include;

• Insomnia, fatigue, nightmares
• feelings of doom
• Tense, aching muscles
• Stomach distress, GI issues
• Chronic pain
• Concentration/memory difficulties
• Confusion
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Low self esteem
• Obsessive or compulsive behaviour
• Secondary manifestations of mental illness (eating disorders, OCD, generalised anxiety, agoraphobia etc)

It is important to note that a therapist should never “coach” you through memory recall, nor should they suggest any abuse experienced (a good trauma informed therapist should be unbiased).

Experts do not know enough about memory yet and so are unable to distinguish a real experience from a false memory unless evidence supports said recovered memory. The APA (American psychological agency) suggest that recovery of memory is rare and that one should treat the body in an attempt to release the effects of past unresolved trauma.

Professor Van Der Kolk is – in my opinion; at the forefront of trauma informed treatment methods which are multidimensional; taking care of not just the mind, but the body too. His work; “The body keeps the score” is seminal reading for trauma survivors who have stored unresolved trauma in their body.

As the body is said to keep a physical memory of all of your experiences; it can be helpful to remind oneself that although your mind has repressed this event; your body has not. Thus working within your body to release trauma seems to be the most effective way of doing so (also the safest as it reduces the risk of retraumatization).

As we age: we naturally forget. Memories will naturally fade. If we spend our entire adult lives seeking a truth that may never come to fruition; we begin wasting time on a quest that can be completed by looking within our bodies.

The body does not forget. memories are stored there, at times we must Trust our minds protection and although difficult as it may be, I do not think memories are required to be recovered in order to continue to heal.

Our Facebook group contains valuable resources in order to help your body recover including; trauma release exercise examples and resources on Professor Van Der Kolk’s book: the body keeps the score. In rejecting the notion that we must process and remember past unresolved trauma; we free our minds and allow it to progress along the recovery journey.

Trauma blocking

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Survivors of Childhood developmental trauma and adult interpersonal relationship trauma often feel the need to block or forget past traumatic experiences. What is a normal reaction to abnormal experiences; and can result in many instances of trauma becoming subconscious and unresolved. As we have already found; subconscious and unresolved trauma makes trauma even more difficult to navigate as it has the potential to manifest into maladaptive coping and secondary mental health issues on top of trauma symptoms which are already experienced.

It is a natural human Instinct to avoid pain (psychological or physical), however for a Warrior who has survived multiple complex trauma; either in developmental stages or later in adulthood – trauma blocking becomes an even more common tactic used in order to preserve and protect our own mind.

The emotional toll of individual event(s) may become too much to bear and manifest into avoidance of anything similar to past events. This avoidance behaviour – termed; trauma blocking – has the potential to cause individual issues in recovery; especially if left unresolved.

Trauma blocking is used by a trauma survivor to block out any painful, residual or overwhelming emotions perceived to be caused by original traumatic event(s). This behaviour can manifest as a protective measure where an individual may avoid certain stimuli altogether as a way of ‘forgetting’ the past.

Trauma blocking involves an individual attempting to dull and forget past trauma through (excessive) use of coping mechanisms. An individual who is blocking trauma may:

• Obsessively use social media – compulsively scrolling
• Using “down time” to binge drink, over/under eat (ignoring hunger ques)
• Compulsively exercise – have unattainable goals
• Remain within toxic relationships – long after expiry of relationship
• Obsessively/impulsively shop with no thought for budget and may lead to debt
• Become a workaholic – poor work boundaries – including being available 24/7

A survivor of trauma commonly uses accessible tactics to dull the intensity of pain within. This is usually an imperative issue with an addiction and reliance: trauma blocking will cause an individual to relapse when recovering from addiction or reliance on substances.

Generally speaking, an individual who is relying on substances to alter mood or memories (food, alcohol, drugs, prescriptions etc) will find the very memories they had successfully blocked out – return on becoming “clean”. The memories they have been using substances to block – return and causes huge Relapse rates as the individual builds at elements and requires more (of chosen substance) in order to feel “normal”. Over time, more substance(s) are required to dull the pain of the past and the cycle continues with a ferocity that is incredibly difficult to halt.

A survivor of trauma will numb the pain of the past in order to free themselves – however, as the brain has the ability to adapt and adjust; the compulsive behaviour begins to become necessary to continue and ceasing will cause an Avalanche of emotion to ensue. As time passes; the Avalanche grows and so we find prolonged trauma blocking to cause even greater issues as time progresses.

If course, trauma blocking behaviour will feel beneficial and effective at the time of using, one may be rewarded for overworking (bonuses etc) and receive momentary satisfaction. The gratification of such as relatively short-lived and as a positive feelings begin to subside, an individual must re-employ blocking behaviour in order to protect oneself from uncomfortable feelings or memories resurfacing.

The issue that is found in warriors who use trauma blocking is that temporary relief is felt from such behaviours and coping; the body and mind will continue to process the trauma in the background despite continued attempts to block the pain. Best war which pages within creates an absence of self reflection (including flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks and intrusive thought) and although that is the intended goal – this absence of natural trauma reactions leads an individual to not fully process the event at its core.

In terms of recovering from trauma blocking behaviours – an individual must acquire awareness of such behaviours and how they manifest to maladaptive coping. What years of trauma would benefit from reflecting on the personal ways which blocking trauma negatively impacts ones life. Rating these Anna diary or log can switch the brain into reflection and make it easier to retain information to working memory. Once personal awareness has been gained; a survivor then has the opportunity to grow.

For a survivor of trauma who is recovering from trauma blocking behaviours; it can also be beneficial to plan in advance healthier ways to self soothe so when the moment comes in which a survivor may need to use search tools – they are easily accessed – even during anxious states. This is of course dependent on one’s ability to reflect on their own trauma blocking behaviours – for the individual using work to cope – they may plan; ” I will take 5 minutes to complete guided meditation when I am tempted to respond to a non-emergency out with regular working hours.”

As each individual trauma differs; each trauma blocking behaviour also varies and each reflection will be your own to navigate.

Finally, when coping and recovering from trauma blocking; it can be helpful to reflect on the prices you may pay by continuing trauma blocking behaviour and not dealing with the pain within.

If beginning this path or facing ones pain feels or seems too much – trauma informed therapists are helpful in guiding a warrior of trauma through reflection on each behaviour as well as helping deal with the pain of the past – asking for additional support is not something one should be ashamed of as it shows great courage and strength.

Our research group can be found here

Currently we are conducting research into the causes of trauma. I have included a link to the survey here : https://surveyheart.com/form/5f06e63b3ed8765392fe12d0

If you would be interested in taking part, please feel free. If you would like to share this study i would also welcome you to use the link, many thanks!

When trauma becomes a disability.

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There may be various reasons why a trauma survivor is not able to enter the workforce; each as individual as the original trauma. As we continue to explore these reasons in further detail – I would like to also add some information on the options that are available for trauma survivors surrounding employment.

Cases of trauma can become so severe that it impacts individuals ability to enter, maintain and perform in a specific role ( some rules may cause triggers – while others may not).

Trauma symptoms tend to worsen if left unresolved and eventually manifest to secondary psychiatric disorders. In many cases, there is a fine line in ones quality of life and especially so for a survivor of trauma. As we have explored some common reasons a trauma survivor may face difficulties in the workplace, such subconscious triggers and workplace stressors can impact a trauma survivor so much that they have little to no quality of life and may suffer reduction in work-related performance as well as a decline in physiological and psychological health.

As trauma symptoms are left unresolved (-sometimes even due to fatigue preventing adequate reflection) they tend to worsen to a point that work may feel impossible; sick days increase as does the cycle of managerial intervention and increase of work stress (ultimately leading to avoidance, further increased absence, fractured employee relationships, physiological and psychological decline, an increase in illness and an increase in the risk of trauma symptoms manifesting to secondary disorders).

I personally have my own physical and psychological reasons as to why I cannot work. The issues that I faced we are too severe and difficult that my quality of life was severely impaired leading to a mental health crisis (or two…) as I rested and took absence: I’d find myself in some way feeling better – I would return to work and the cycle would continue.

Trauma symptoms led me to be terminated from Employment, ostracized and experiencing retraumatization as a result. I attempted different careers, I work in a bakery, a shop, as a carer, as a training officer for carer’s, as a classroom assistant and a pharmacy dispenser. Each role followed the same pattern and it became obvious – after a decade of trying: that I was going to end up dead at the expense of being a functioning member of society (and respected by others).

After a terrible role – I faced a lack of support, workplace bullying due to my age from older staff, being blamed for “taking things too personally” and cultivating in the same response given to a suicidal pupil – I broke. It was always instilled in me to keep my chin up and get on with it – work till you drop. Well, I dropped. I signed off sick and I never returned.

It was probably one of the kindest things that I have ever did for myself. As my physical mobility continues to decline; I can only imagine how things would be right now if I were still trying to work.

After my contract was terminated due to “lack of funding” (had they admitted it was mental health related – I would have more evidence as to why I couldn’t work) I enter job seekers as I was still deemed fit to work and I remained on that for around a year. One appointment, I spoke to the job coach and was finally honest about the issues I had and I was referred immediately to DLA (disability living allowance) which then change to PIP (Personal independence payment).

I didn’t know it was possible to claim for mental illness, however at the time I actually acquired more ‘points’ due to the way my trauma symptoms impact my day-to-day life; so much so that my mobility was overlooked during the assessment as it was taking so long to explain my psychological difficulties.

It is possible for a trauma survivor to qualify for PIP if their symptoms interfere with their ability to work.

Eligibility criteria for personal independence payment can be found here

PTSD is covered in the Equality Act 2010 and thus is a certifiable reason for an individual not being able to work. You can apply for PIP here

It is not guaranteed that PIP will be awarded as it is assessed on an individual basis through an independent assessor. However, when applied, you will receive a booklet asking to write how you are impacted on a day-to-day basis. The following areas are assessed with regards to individual ability to carry out and complete basic tasks in a reliable and timely manner (I am not going to enter into the basic politics surrounding this benefit or form, rather give an overview of an option you have a RIGHT to choose)

1. Preparing and cooking food
2. eating and drinking
3. managing treatment or health
4. washing and bathing
5. toileting needs
6. dressing and undressing
7. speaking to people
8. reading and understanding
9. mixing with others
10. making decisions about spending and managing money
11. planning and following a route
12. moving around
13. any other additional info which is relevant to claim

PIP will contact your GP to obtain a copy of notes to use while assessing your taste and you should receive a reply promptly. The decision can be appealed through mandatory reconsideration and the appeals process and many Volunteer services can help with this.

On our group; I have added various files in order to help those applying as well as a unit which covers employment issues due to trauma symptoms

Any member requiring assistant should contact Citizens Advice who can aid with filling this form – there are many volunteer groups which give specific advice and guidance on personal independence payment and employment support allowance as well as universal credit.

Contact details

Money matters

Citizens advice bureau

Facebook group – PIP specific