The opposite to anger (recovery through anger can be found Here), crying and grief/sadness usually follows angry expression and has a close relationship in terms of recovering from trauma through grieving.
Recovering from trauma through crying
In recovering from trauma, survivors face a phase of grieving in order to propel and resolve overwhelming feelings associated with past trauma. Recovery through grieving allows an individual to work through the loss associated with experiencing trauma. Grieving effectively aids trauma recovery and helps a survivor of trauma with the death-like feeling of being lost/trapped within trauma flashbacks and memories (am overview of recovering from trauma through grieving can be found here)
Crying as a recovery tool brings relief in the same sense as anger and both work alongside the other in achieving total release of repressed emotion. Both anger and crying free a survivor from the abandonment which trauma caused.
Although both crying and anger are the main tools in recovering from trauma through grieving, an unbalanced approach is not only difficult for others to react to but can lead to negative outcomes with regards to maladaptive coping and interpersonal relationship issues. Having this in mind; the utilisation of both anger and sadness (grief or crying) can actually be socially deviant. In terms of socioeconomic culture and gender perceptions – using anger and sadness fully (in their full spectrum of feeling) can be viewed by others negatively.
Many cultural differences can impact the ability to use grieving methods throughout recovery. It does not however negate the importance of both methods being required in order to grieve effectively and fully. The British culture is renowned for its stereotypes just as any other country is. Typically, British culture is viewed as individuals who have a stiff upper lip. This refers to the concept that the British are quite reserved; keeping their emotions and feelings to themselves. With regards to the authenticity of this stereotype I am not going to debate, however generally speaking as a culture; we tend to not express ourselves as fully as we perhaps should and this will have implications when recovering through grieving.
Gender stereotypes also play a part in an unbalanced grieving response and of course age, life experience and socioeconomic status. As far as gender perceptions are concerned; males commonly show an imbalance with favouring anger as a grieving response as opposed to females who tend to use grief and crying in an attempt to fully express oneself and ultimately recover from using such grieving methods. As helpful as one method can be, an imbalance of one or the other can lead to reactionary behaviour and further repressed emotion. If possible; a survivor of trauma should attempt to balance both anger and grief when recovering. Of course only one emotion can be felt at any one time and that is completely natural. Each phase should be fully experienced on their own and in conjunction in order to fully express emotions which may have previously been unresolved. There is a cut off where coping solely with anger or grief turns maladaptive, a balanced approach has shown to be more effective in terms of recovery.
Incomplete release comes from an unbalanced grieving response. That is in terms of emotions being stored in the body and resulting in reactionary responses to both the outside world (outer critic) and self (inner critic).
Having the ability to cry without judgement actually serves to stimulate relaxation and self growth. For a survivor of trauma; ones grief and sadness may have been met by disdain or an increase in abusive events and or punishments. This can result in many survivors of trauma having great issue in terms of dealing with grief and the emotional issues that arise from said response. Crying however balances the parasympathetic nervous system; which Walker (2013) states helps to balance hyperarousal commonly experienced during flashbacks and associated trauma symptoms.
When a baby is born; it first expresses fear/anger and loss of safety as it initially screams. This is more often than not followed quickly by sadness and grief over the loss of the womb – its safe place. The newborn is quickly consoled by direct skin contact from its parental figures – more importantly; the mother. That bond that formed over 9 months is finally met in environment and the familiar smells and breathing of the mother provides an alternative nurturing comfort which was once provided in utero.
Humans are built to connect, to feel safe and to express freely. Over the developmental period however this free expression becomes stifled. Although it becomes more difficult to express in terms of sociocultural difficulties, it is still one of the most important aspects of recovering from trauma through grieving.
Using crying aids a survivor who also deals with negative self critic attacks. Crying stops the inner critic by releasing fear before it turns to a trauma response (I.e a flashback). Crying as a grieving tool actually dissipates fear, shame, guilt, self abandonment and increases a survivors ability to process anger (which in turn aids grieving).
Recovery from trauma through crying allows a survivor to grieve and provides a cathartic release which leads to fully mourning the losses associated with past trauma and abuse. This may take the form(s) of grieving over lost relationships, a lack of nurture or sense of self. When a survivor is able to feel the natural sorrow of the horrors of their past; it leads to experience and connection with not only the self but with others.
It is important that a survivor who is using grieving as a recovery tool has an ability to accept crying and sorrow whilst simultaneously riding the wave of emotion in its entirety. Fully experiencing sorrow leads to an increase in self compassion as the survivor forgives oneself for the myriad of trauma events that occurred at the hands of another.
Repeated practice of fully expressing emotions allows said practice to become habitual and this becomes the cornerstone in recovery. The increased self esteem and reduction in flashbacks and trigger reactions leads to a reduction in personal abandonment fears. As crying increases self compassion; a survivor begins to see a positive correlation with regards to maintaining healthier relationships.
With the newfound ability to be present and available begins to aid a survivor in developing new friendships which are healthier than previous experience. The release of repressed grief increases self allegiance and strengthens confidence and self esteem while providing a solid foundation in which to lay boundaries. These new additions to one’s recovery toolbox serves an individual in their personal relationships with others and the self.
In reference to a survivor who faces incomplete expression; tension may build within the body and the mind. This can range from self hate (controlling behaviour), outer critic attacks, 4f response reliance or maladaptive coping. This blocked anger or sadness usually results from repressed crying or feeling resulting in decreased lower limb activity, avoidance, headaches, dry mouth, fatigue, chest pain, chronic pain, stomach pain, nausea, behavioural overreaction, self harming behaviour and substance abuse/reliance or addiction.
Denied feelings result in limited beliefs, a lack of appropriate risk taking and poor connection. It can be helpful to use the phrase; “I feel – – – the because I choose to feel this way.” when dealing with emotional reactions that feel overwhelming.
In order to completely grieve, an individual must gain some form of closure. As is the case with anger; a survivor who is not able to fully process either sadness or anger should not continue trying to recover from past trauma through grieving. Support should be sought from a trauma informed therapist in order to complete the fundamental background work required prior to continuing their recovery journey.
Other helpful ways in which to grieve through sadness include;
Reflection – write down or journal emotions and feelings for the day, it may be helpful to follow a script or pre written interview when reflecting. Journaling is an effective way to set small; attainable goals whilst tracking them as well as providing opportunities for self reflection, offloading of thoughts and allowing an alternative response to be explored. Journaling or reflecting can also be useful for a survivor of trauma when attempting to replace negative self talk and behaviour.
Replace negative with positive (the key is balance) – it can be common for a trauma survivor to become enmeshed with one’s negative inner critic.
The inner critic can manifest to one’s own personality and become enmeshed in ones identity making it difficult to separate. As life continues, the critic begins to take the driving seat in ones own reactions and perception. Fighting the critic reduces such attacks by substitution of thought (replacing negative self talk with positive) and thought correlation (when i revert to; “shut up!” I will instead ask for a break etc). Such reflection leads to an increased sense of personal likeability and desire for interpersonal boundaries.
Motion releases emotion – simply getting up and moving your body can switch uncomfortable feelings to a more tolerable level. This can be helpful when fully expressing grief in order to ride the wave but also provide relief. As trauma and unresolved emotions are stored in our body; it is as equally important to work on releasing repressed trauma from the body through muscle release or meditation. Participation in trauma release exercise can really aid a survivor in letting go of the pent up emotions which become stored within our body. More info and examples of TRE can be found in our Facebook group.
Feel, accept, reflect – feel the emotion and label it, whatever it be it is important for recovery to fully accept that its ok to be feeling in this way. It can be helpful to remember our key phrase; “I feel – – – and because I choose to feel this way.” and repeat that until emotions return. Focusing on one’s breath can be beneficial in aiding the body to physically return to normal in the sense of its biological processes.
Heightened emotional states produce biological reactions similar to those experienced in a flashback. Breathing and taking mindful breaths can return one’s heart rate, blood pressure, cortisol and adrenaline to lower levels. Focusing on any abdominal sensations can be helpful when dealing with grief as it is stored within the GI system as well as mind.
Using both anger and grief in order to recover from past trauma can be liberating and freeing; however it is not a quick fix. Using appropriate grieving methods in which to recover can take years in order to fully process however does provide a survivor of trauma with that release necessary for both the body and mind to recover.